There is just so much death…

Yes, yes, I know – someone will blurt out in true look-on-the-bright-side manner that death usually accompanies life, so there’s equally just as much life around. Let me side-step that totally and say “I don’t care about that right now, right this minute, I’m talking about death”. And truly, there is just so much of it around.

A few years ago, a friend who had moved back to Lebanon was weighing out her options about staying or returning to Canada. As we sat there listing the pros and cons, both professional and personal, I felt it was my duty to share with her my biggest discovery about being back here: death surrounds you. This was not a morbid discovery, and did not, at that time, relate in any way to conflicts or bombs (which has made the job of coping with death that much harder).
Quite simply, within our extended families and social networks, you will find yourself making that awkward phone call and digging out that somber black outfit more often than you think or like. In many instances, you will not even know the person who has just passed, and you go not truly in mourning but to comfort those he or she left behind, whom you do know and care about.

Having been one of those persons before, you find yourself in a Pavlovian reaction to their pain. I don’t subscribe to the endless search for reasons because, well, quite plainly, what’s the point? The pain I describe is quite different, and mainly has to do with dealing with an overwhelming absence. The emptiness left behind sucks you in – it’s not a passive gap or blank; there actually is a force that draws you in, as if physically excising with it the organs and thoughts in which you held that person. And that pain is indescribable, perhaps more so because we never expect it. After all, we are not pre-disposed to form a relationship with a conscious proviso that one party will disappear one day – and thank heavens for that! Thank heavens for that…

I always paint myself into a corner when I write about such topics. This time, I think I’ll stay there till the paint dries…