This note is for you, my sweet unborn child.
You may or may not come, God only knows, but I have imagined
you for too long not to write to you.
You should know from the start that I love you – whether you
remain imaginary or become real – I truly love you. This longing for you over the years, though
sometimes frustrating, has always also brought me joy. I love you for being with me and my delays. I may have not always put you in
consideration as I went about these grand decisions in my life, but I hope and
pray that the outcomes of those decisions serve to make me a better mother to
you.
There is one decision that did concern you, in a big way,
and that was when I chose your father. He
is a good man, and he will be a wonderful father to you, of that I am sure. Marrying
him brought me one giant step closer to you –whether you come or not – and I
will always love him for that.
Meanwhile, my sweet lovely child, we will deliberate on
suitable names for you, we will pay close attention to other parents’
anecdotes, and we will spend time with children we adore – don’t confuse this
with practice, for nothing will be the same when it’s you, when you arrive… We
do this out of joy for the children we’re with, and we do this as we imagine
and hope that doting aunts and uncles will do the same for you one day.
You see, even in this move as with all others, you have
brought me joy… how can I not love you?
And, my darling, if you do come, know that I have lived this
life preparing for you, and preparing the world for you. Forgive me for the compromise this has
brought about. Forgive me if I leave before you reach the age at which I met
you, forgive me if there weren’t enough years left for me to be by your side
through your great triumphs and crises. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me… You
may think it selfish of me to want you so badly if I knew I was leaving sooner
than other mothers, but believe me it is not.
Not completely. It is not selfish
because it is beyond my control to want you and love you and cherish you as I
do, and because it would be selfish of me not to bring the wonderful being that
you are into this world. For whereas I
am fully yours, you are not mine alone.
So let me end this note as I started it, with the one
sentiment that I cannot express enough: I love you.
